11-27-09
8PM
Watched "Up".I feel sad. I want that. Reminds me of when Adrianne
emailed me about seeing other couples kissing and
such, and that she wanted that too.
I think of Lindsay. I think of Crystal.
I look down. Have I isolated myself from it?
It's rare to see a movie that actually shows you
stuff going well. I was pleasantly surprised.
I think I'm like the dog. The dog seemed autistic.
I think I'm autistic. And the boy too. And kinda
the man. I wasn't expecting the emotional depth.
Maybe the paranoia is unwarranted and I've just
heard too many stories. I think I know now why
there are so many movies where people live disquieted
lives. It's so when you watch them you feel better
about yourself. 'Cause right now I feel crummy.
I want love. but it's never there. And I think it's
cauza me. I'm probably quite unpleasant.
The change in direction in the movie, from uninterested
in the bird, to defending the bird, was of particular
interest to me. The behind story of things is what
motivates us. Same with the little boy's story.
connected with others is my closedness.
Kayla. She is quite the social butterfly. Tried to
get me out of my shell.
And polyamory. Many loves. Why not a combination
of the two? I'm already part way on that.
The equation for closeness. It almost sounds ironic.
Cold mathematics and warm intention...
I feel a hole. A wanting. I have no-one. And I feel sad.
Where have the complications gone, eh?
There is a reason that no explanation is wanted.
It's touch and body based. The philosophy is already
dished out. Want. Hope. It almost seems like to study
the things would be to kill them.
Those guys at Pixar really have it down.Internationalizing feeling. Same with the ads.
I felt, both at the same time, quite close, and quite
distant. Like I wanted to share the experience, the
warmth, but had no-one to share it with, but wanted
to...
And the thought of suicide came to mind.
*chuckle* Is it really all that simple. Heh.
"As simple as possible, but no simpler."I think it's likely that many people share this
same feeling. The most personal moments,
at least in these modern times - and perhaps
before - are the most universal. How else
could comedy be so successful?
Stefan interviewed someone who was
studying babies brains, and the person
talked about how different each of
our brains are, and how it would be
expected, if our environments were
different, that we would all have about
the same structure.
I say that we do. And that those personal
moments we find ourselves unable to
express are the same that accounts
for the differences. Unresolved struggles,
basically. A wild guess, yes, but I think
it's a good possibility.
Another thing that comes to mind is
that of when the kid said that the
boring stuff was what he remembered.
I could tell that it was scripted in
for right there, but really, which
part wasn't? It was that it felt
scripted in that was the mistake.
The better the script, the less
scripted in it feels. And it might seem
as unintuitive as the boy's comment,
but I think it makes just as much sense.
The boring parts are the ones where
you're concentrating on something,
whether counting or whatnot, and the
concentration forces the remembering.
Script takes the epitome of experiences
and what could be said and puts forth
that which is most fitting for a story
that is universal to be made.
Where it sounds script-ish, that's where
there was a disconnect in the formula
and the presentation. Or the person
who was watching it was really
paranoid ;-)
To my left are those whom I talk
to online, and to my right, those whom
I am with but don't talk to.
*looks down* I wish it were different.
... And it hate it when it feels like I'm
manipulating. Part of it is that I'm
hyper-aware of how I present myself,
and when I... maybe it's that I'm
being myself without the scarfs,
and I just haven't realized that
I can do that, and let people react
emotionally to it, and not feel like
I'm manipulating them.
*thinks of mother* It's been a reaction
to her. ... I think. Am I just the worst
combination of autism and paranoia?
Well, no, seeing as more people than
just I am like this. Maybe I'm the
poster boy for isolation, paranoia,
and individualism.
Our base wants are the same --
how does the individualism come about?
God, I want a hug...
I want to jump up and hug them, my
family, Kim, Diane, Clara, and Yuri,
but then I recoil at the thought of
"God bless you." ...ew. That just
seems .... why should that get in
the way of it?
I could make my own family, I suppose.
The main reason I even consider
doing it with them is ...
Oh, why bother?
I don't trust them. I think that I'll
get infected with Christianity. Which
means that I'm a bigot, like Archie.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M4ghCiU1Sc0
And now I can tell that I'm exaggerating,
like that time long ago when I swung myself
off the swing, landing rather hard on the
ground, and then said to the boy I was
with that it really hurt.
He'd laughed and said that I shouldn't
have done it then.
So I wonder if, like with Cartman, I've
adapted to the environment Diane
made for me and have turned into
a "save me" emotional wreck.
Ah, Christmas, the time of warm feelings
and cozy beds. And the unresolved
feelings coming to the fore. :-(
God. I can be such a jerk.
And like with the man carrying his balloon house, the story connects
with me. I don't have regrets, though.
I don't see the use of them. I do
have wants, though. Or... needs?
*sighs*
I really need to stop referencing
movies that I've just watched. How the
hell can people relate to something
they haven't seen?
Damn "Up" was a good movie. Pleasantly
surprised.
I use the word "autism" too much,
don't I?
It connected.
Got that in my inbox for some reason.
But that's how she makes money or connections.
But it's available for all. What's this about
privateness.
Looking into the face of it. This thing in front
of my nose that I can almost grasp.
"Be your princess you'll be my prince"
-But that endorses slavery of others
-Oh but who cares you know what she means
-Kind of like the want of connection from
"Up"?
-Yeah.
Moojiji came to mind.
"Who is talking?"
"I am.""Who are you?"
I must make a better water catcher.
I saw a Fora video about scientists laughing.
One comment was about "Type I laughter";
I searched it, but got
Then I watched
and I quite agree.
So long as you don't deny reality,
laughter cures much. I feel great and
ready to take stuff on, as 'twere.
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