With my 66 rented referrals getting me about 55 clicks a day ($0.275) and pretty much barely counter-acting the autopay, such that my NeoBux balance is at a practical standstill; and because I've done about as much learning as I can about Neo, and because I've been using this entire month to learn about it, and because ...
No, no. I don't really know. I've just started to feel ambivalent about NeoBux, PTCs, and online money-making in general. I don't really see much of a future there in making money with me. It could be that I have the possibility of me getting a job, and it might not. Mostly, I just feel like I want to do something different. Books are what comes to mind.
I've gotten a few books that I hadn't completed, Zero, Ishmael, and Straw Dogs, and maybe I'll finish those.
Dunno.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Determinism
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nB6evyLNa08
The reaction to the thought of determinism is what leads most
to either reject it or feel uncomfortable with it. Imagine that all
of your actions were determined beforehand and you had
absolutely no control over what you would choose.
This is what is commonly thought regarding determinism.
In encountering this opinion of determinism, I had to clarify
what I myself meant regarding it. I don't have a problem,
myself, with the implications of Common Determinism.
However, this is irrelevant and only means that I had
to explain further what I consider determinism to be.
Imagine a tree of possible actions. This is an experiment
that is on pause. Put the experiment into "play", and the
selection branches out accordingly, depending on what
the limitations and motivating factors were. If you knew
what the limitations and motivating factors were ahead
of time, you could predict with 100% certainty what
would occur.
Let's take an extremely simply example, just to give
the gist of how this could look. Tic-tac-toe. If there are
two people who see a tic-tac-toe game (and have
played it before), how likely is it that they will play it?
Or is it more likely that it will be ignored, since it will
inevitably end in a "cat's game"?
Most people's response to being told that their
actions can be predicted, often take the route
of trying to be more unpredictable, predictably.
This rebellion reaction makes me think there is
an oversensitivity regarding control, else the
semantic difference between overall result
and humanistic controlling influence would be
more readily seen.
It is, I think, the same confusion that relates to Darwinism.
"Survival of the fittest" seems "bruttish, cold, and unkind."
Dawkins himself agreed, in an interview, saying that it would
be better to work with reality and try and make things better,
than to deny it.
And really, asking the government to do things for you,
or trying to use the Bible as the means of a moral compass,
is a tad lazy; and so, evolutionarily inevitable.
The reaction to the thought of determinism is what leads most
to either reject it or feel uncomfortable with it. Imagine that all
of your actions were determined beforehand and you had
absolutely no control over what you would choose.
This is what is commonly thought regarding determinism.
In encountering this opinion of determinism, I had to clarify
what I myself meant regarding it. I don't have a problem,
myself, with the implications of Common Determinism.
However, this is irrelevant and only means that I had
to explain further what I consider determinism to be.
Imagine a tree of possible actions. This is an experiment
that is on pause. Put the experiment into "play", and the
selection branches out accordingly, depending on what
the limitations and motivating factors were. If you knew
what the limitations and motivating factors were ahead
of time, you could predict with 100% certainty what
would occur.
Let's take an extremely simply example, just to give
the gist of how this could look. Tic-tac-toe. If there are
two people who see a tic-tac-toe game (and have
played it before), how likely is it that they will play it?
Or is it more likely that it will be ignored, since it will
inevitably end in a "cat's game"?
Most people's response to being told that their
actions can be predicted, often take the route
of trying to be more unpredictable, predictably.
This rebellion reaction makes me think there is
an oversensitivity regarding control, else the
semantic difference between overall result
and humanistic controlling influence would be
more readily seen.
It is, I think, the same confusion that relates to Darwinism.
"Survival of the fittest" seems "bruttish, cold, and unkind."
Dawkins himself agreed, in an interview, saying that it would
be better to work with reality and try and make things better,
than to deny it.
And really, asking the government to do things for you,
or trying to use the Bible as the means of a moral compass,
is a tad lazy; and so, evolutionarily inevitable.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
The Trouble of Being Suicidal
I have been suicidal for much of my life. In fact, I've killed myself 5 times. Of those 5 five times, I survived 3 times. You are reading writing from the walking dead.
People's responses to someone who says "I'm suicidal..." are usually worse than useless. "I want to help you. Talk to me whenever you like." "You should see a qualified psychiatrist."
My response to someone who says they're suicidal: "Hm. Why?" The common reason behind suicidality is that of lack of control. And yes, this is my opinion. Probably, most would find my reaction to someone who said they're going to jump off a bridge, dangerous:
"Go ahead. Could you explain to me why you're going to jump before you jump?"
"No! Fuck off!"
"I want to watch. I've never seen a suicide before."
"... I need to find a different place to kill myself."
"Can I watch?"
"NO!" XD
It is true that I have a tendency to be dramatic when it comes to suicide and death. It's only been more recent that I realize that, indeed, my suicidality was, more or less, a cry for attention. Not even attention, though, but to be amused by the response it provoked. People look at you different when you act in certain ways; hold a knife and slowly turn it so it gleams at them; pretend you're possessed; be emo to a friend.
People don't like to think about suicide, it seems. The response is, "get help," and "don't kill yourself." Yeah, thanks. Another boring person who will probably submit me to the police or some psychiatric hospital for being tested for something I already know too well and play with. I romanticize suicide; I don't want to get a 4k bill for it. It's like if you tell someone you're having trouble with a relationship and they recommend you go to the Dr. Phil show. You'd have to be insane to think that doing that would make things better. Then again, maybe I should play with that -- I'm exploring insanity and irrationality, after all.
I was a lot more dramatic and damsel-in-distress when I was younger. That is, when I didn't realize I was doing it. A lot of it is because of my Christian background. Christianity is quite the mindfuck. Worthlessness, self-loathing, and yet, validation in a non-existent entity. Is it any wonder that most Christians display so much cognitive dissonance?
People want to help you, and they help you too much. You become suicidal because you're shy and don't understand what's going on and can't change it. You tell people who want to help you and help you too much that you're suicidal. Said people escort you to an asylum, where you either spend most of your time being on watch 24/7 for signs that you might kill yourself, or are released after a few days, with a huge hospital bill. After this trauma, you then thank the over-helpful people for having made you suicidal, admitted you to a hospital that made you paranoid and perhaps charged you, and then left, not dead.
Because all that matters is that people don't die. Save their souls! Torment them on earth that they might have eternal life in heaven! Yes, I'm bitter. I also recently came to the conclusion that the bill was actually valid, since I did voluntarily go in out of curiosity. 7 lives to go (college).
People's responses to someone who says "I'm suicidal..." are usually worse than useless. "I want to help you. Talk to me whenever you like." "You should see a qualified psychiatrist."
My response to someone who says they're suicidal: "Hm. Why?" The common reason behind suicidality is that of lack of control. And yes, this is my opinion. Probably, most would find my reaction to someone who said they're going to jump off a bridge, dangerous:
"Go ahead. Could you explain to me why you're going to jump before you jump?"
"No! Fuck off!"
"I want to watch. I've never seen a suicide before."
"... I need to find a different place to kill myself."
"Can I watch?"
"NO!" XD
It is true that I have a tendency to be dramatic when it comes to suicide and death. It's only been more recent that I realize that, indeed, my suicidality was, more or less, a cry for attention. Not even attention, though, but to be amused by the response it provoked. People look at you different when you act in certain ways; hold a knife and slowly turn it so it gleams at them; pretend you're possessed; be emo to a friend.
People don't like to think about suicide, it seems. The response is, "get help," and "don't kill yourself." Yeah, thanks. Another boring person who will probably submit me to the police or some psychiatric hospital for being tested for something I already know too well and play with. I romanticize suicide; I don't want to get a 4k bill for it. It's like if you tell someone you're having trouble with a relationship and they recommend you go to the Dr. Phil show. You'd have to be insane to think that doing that would make things better. Then again, maybe I should play with that -- I'm exploring insanity and irrationality, after all.
I was a lot more dramatic and damsel-in-distress when I was younger. That is, when I didn't realize I was doing it. A lot of it is because of my Christian background. Christianity is quite the mindfuck. Worthlessness, self-loathing, and yet, validation in a non-existent entity. Is it any wonder that most Christians display so much cognitive dissonance?
People want to help you, and they help you too much. You become suicidal because you're shy and don't understand what's going on and can't change it. You tell people who want to help you and help you too much that you're suicidal. Said people escort you to an asylum, where you either spend most of your time being on watch 24/7 for signs that you might kill yourself, or are released after a few days, with a huge hospital bill. After this trauma, you then thank the over-helpful people for having made you suicidal, admitted you to a hospital that made you paranoid and perhaps charged you, and then left, not dead.
Because all that matters is that people don't die. Save their souls! Torment them on earth that they might have eternal life in heaven! Yes, I'm bitter. I also recently came to the conclusion that the bill was actually valid, since I did voluntarily go in out of curiosity. 7 lives to go (college).
Love?
A plea from BiteHunter.
A plea from BiteHunter.
I would have sympathy for him/her. I see a similarity between BiteHunter and Lindsay; namely, that of a tendency for drama. Both fell in love with me. I'm more concerned about Lindsay than I am BiteHunter. Unfortunately, I can see myself not caring about Lindsay. Her extremist tendencies make me distance myself and want to stay afar that I might observe her before "getting into the mix".
I kind of wish that Lindsay was Crystal. I think that I love Crystal, and am indifferent to Lindsay. This puts me in a dicey situation. Similarly, because I'm sort of half-half with Lindsay at the moment, BiteHunter's concerns are off in the distance, to me. I noticed that on his/her Viddler channel it now says, "Female, 18". I figured that that was to lure me, and that was confirmed in the video that was available that BiteHunter directed me to, "On the Shelf".
BiteHunter wants me to reconsider my actions and goodbye toward him/her. No. Simply no. I've already seen the pattern, it's going to repeat, and even if it's not, I don't want to deal with another drama person. One is almost too much for me right now. Mostly what I fear is what seems to be the inevitable break-up in the future, and a possible either break-down from Lindsay, or the hardening of her heart in regard to all males. There is the possibility that things will work out, and I want to give it all the chance that I can.
Thing is... I don't think I love anymore. That is, the extreme emotions that people are accustomed to associating with being in love, I kind of think of myself as being over. Almost like being over Christianity, in a way. That also sounds slightly disturbing to me, since it makes me wonder if the worry of money has not subverted my emotions into oblivion, inwhichcase, Lindsay helping me out by helping me fall in love, if that is how it goes, would be a great benefit to me.
It's not the stark selfishness of this that makes me feel slightly sick about how I'm going about this, but that I'm inclined to hide it, since I fear being kicked out. I want to hold onto this as long as possible to get NeoBux or a job going. Lindsay has said that if I do not love her, then we shouldn't be together. I don't know if I love her or don't love her. My feelings have been, for a few months now, almost non-existent. Perhaps it is an indication that I need to introspect more. I've been wanting to do that anyway. And besides -- what is this that I'm doing right now?
I'm fine with being selfish. I'm not fine with being selfish when it means being a leech and taking advantage of others. I wonder - has my focus on worry has made falling in love a non-sequitur?
But then, why such worry as to whether I fall in love or not?
A plea from BiteHunter.
I would have sympathy for him/her. I see a similarity between BiteHunter and Lindsay; namely, that of a tendency for drama. Both fell in love with me. I'm more concerned about Lindsay than I am BiteHunter. Unfortunately, I can see myself not caring about Lindsay. Her extremist tendencies make me distance myself and want to stay afar that I might observe her before "getting into the mix".
I kind of wish that Lindsay was Crystal. I think that I love Crystal, and am indifferent to Lindsay. This puts me in a dicey situation. Similarly, because I'm sort of half-half with Lindsay at the moment, BiteHunter's concerns are off in the distance, to me. I noticed that on his/her Viddler channel it now says, "Female, 18". I figured that that was to lure me, and that was confirmed in the video that was available that BiteHunter directed me to, "On the Shelf".
BiteHunter wants me to reconsider my actions and goodbye toward him/her. No. Simply no. I've already seen the pattern, it's going to repeat, and even if it's not, I don't want to deal with another drama person. One is almost too much for me right now. Mostly what I fear is what seems to be the inevitable break-up in the future, and a possible either break-down from Lindsay, or the hardening of her heart in regard to all males. There is the possibility that things will work out, and I want to give it all the chance that I can.
Thing is... I don't think I love anymore. That is, the extreme emotions that people are accustomed to associating with being in love, I kind of think of myself as being over. Almost like being over Christianity, in a way. That also sounds slightly disturbing to me, since it makes me wonder if the worry of money has not subverted my emotions into oblivion, inwhichcase, Lindsay helping me out by helping me fall in love, if that is how it goes, would be a great benefit to me.
It's not the stark selfishness of this that makes me feel slightly sick about how I'm going about this, but that I'm inclined to hide it, since I fear being kicked out. I want to hold onto this as long as possible to get NeoBux or a job going. Lindsay has said that if I do not love her, then we shouldn't be together. I don't know if I love her or don't love her. My feelings have been, for a few months now, almost non-existent. Perhaps it is an indication that I need to introspect more. I've been wanting to do that anyway. And besides -- what is this that I'm doing right now?
I'm fine with being selfish. I'm not fine with being selfish when it means being a leech and taking advantage of others. I wonder - has my focus on worry has made falling in love a non-sequitur?
But then, why such worry as to whether I fall in love or not?
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Paranoia * Ignorance * Fear = Continual Conflict, part 1?
I don't try to not try. That is only a convenient way of explaining it. When I said that I was disappointed in myself in my reaction to BiteHunter, being that of annoyance rather than attempts at understanding, I meant it as a comment to myself, rather than a should. And by should, I mean in relation to goals, such as my desire for getting at truth.
It is possible that people fuck themselves over by shoulding themselves into a corner. I know that I am stressed out about getting money and being sustainable. Accordingly, I have less capability for toleration of religion and other forms of irrationality. Why this is the case stems to my, again, desire for truth. It's not that I can't live with people who are irrational, but that I cannot when stressed out. The emotional appeals that spring forth from irrationalities usually make me angry.
It is a common reaction. My mother used to have it when I wouldn't be able to figure out math problems as fast as she. "How do you not get it?! It's simple!"
(got a call from Lindsay)
Of course it was simple to her. And why would it be simple to me when I didn't are about it? This isn't in parallel to the emotion stuff, just
I don't like the example that I used. I forgot how I was going to connect it to what I was talking about. And besides this, things are kind of better with Lindsay. We talked, and talking works. And I can tell that I just don't feel like writing any more, so I'll leave off.
It is possible that people fuck themselves over by shoulding themselves into a corner. I know that I am stressed out about getting money and being sustainable. Accordingly, I have less capability for toleration of religion and other forms of irrationality. Why this is the case stems to my, again, desire for truth. It's not that I can't live with people who are irrational, but that I cannot when stressed out. The emotional appeals that spring forth from irrationalities usually make me angry.
It is a common reaction. My mother used to have it when I wouldn't be able to figure out math problems as fast as she. "How do you not get it?! It's simple!"
(got a call from Lindsay)
Of course it was simple to her. And why would it be simple to me when I didn't are about it? This isn't in parallel to the emotion stuff, just
I don't like the example that I used. I forgot how I was going to connect it to what I was talking about. And besides this, things are kind of better with Lindsay. We talked, and talking works. And I can tell that I just don't feel like writing any more, so I'll leave off.
Rushing Relaxation
There have been two primary things that Lindsay and I have been struggling with. The first is her need to spend time with me, which has resulted in me kind of avoiding her. The second is her want to pleasure me. I have been focused on Neo and other means of trying to start making money online, and I think that's partially why I've been staying up late recently. I have no problem with this in and of itself. However, Lindsay likes being busy, bodily, and so always is wanting to "go out" whereas I prefer to "stay in".
This creates the conflict of me sleeping when she is awake and her being asleep when I "should" be asleep. The way she does it reminds me of how my mom did it, and my same response makes me wonder about the similarities. Not about whether she's like my mom, but what the essence of factors are that leads to these results.
Additionally, when I masturbate around her and she's watching, I can't come, and it's because I'm nervous. And when she comes into the room, I feel like I need to attend to her and I can't relax. She is, almost, a duty. I sort of miss being with Crystal for this reason. I could relax, be myself, and not worry about her wanting to spend time with me. A lot of it was that she wasn't always trying to schedule "hang out" time. It just happened. That's partially why it discomforts me to have our together time scheduled. It makes it feel like a chore and an event to be done, rather than time to be enjoyed doing whatever the fuck you want.
This creates the conflict of me sleeping when she is awake and her being asleep when I "should" be asleep. The way she does it reminds me of how my mom did it, and my same response makes me wonder about the similarities. Not about whether she's like my mom, but what the essence of factors are that leads to these results.
Additionally, when I masturbate around her and she's watching, I can't come, and it's because I'm nervous. And when she comes into the room, I feel like I need to attend to her and I can't relax. She is, almost, a duty. I sort of miss being with Crystal for this reason. I could relax, be myself, and not worry about her wanting to spend time with me. A lot of it was that she wasn't always trying to schedule "hang out" time. It just happened. That's partially why it discomforts me to have our together time scheduled. It makes it feel like a chore and an event to be done, rather than time to be enjoyed doing whatever the fuck you want.
*Pulls hair out... picks up pen*
I'll get to the rest of it later. Right now I'm annoyed at a YouTube user named BiteHunter. BiteHunter and I met about 6 months ago through YouTube, and he was impressed with my videos and fell in love with me. I was flattered. However, he wanted me to love him back. Yes, a him. Unfortuantely for him, I'm not exactly gay (though I have my exceptions), and I'm for sure as hell not gay for him.
He is a Christian obsessed with sex and gayness, and also has a paranoid persecution complex. My opinion, yes. But I basically state it as fact because I doubt anyone who has seen our interactions would disagree. What partially disappoints me about my reaction to him is that I have not kept in continual contact, and I have had an intolerance for him irrationality. It disappoints me because, for a long time, I've wanted to delve into the Christian psyche and understand how the hell it works. And here was a prime example for me, and I wasn't ready for him at the moment; I had some other things I needed to deal with, such as getting a sustainable income so I would feel like I was leeching off of others.
Mostly, I think why I cannot tolerate him, is that he makes absolutely no admission that he might be wrong about his assuming that I'm gay, and brings it up whenever I make hints at it. I made a video, "My Friend Pete" where I satirized Christianity. It was also to, partially, make fun of BiteHunter's assumption that I was gay. Unfortunately, BiteHunter saw that video as proof that I was gay and that I was finally showing my true colors.
*headache* So, I'm kind of pissed off in general right now.
I'm also wondering what it becoming more public might do. I recall that one time that it happened with a man named Stefan... that was a fucking mess.
I don't feel exactly introspective right now, which isn't so great for blogging. Mostly, I'm blogging because I don't think my blog should be restricted to only certain types of writing and thoughts from me. I figure, if it's going to be diary-ish, I might as well write the type of stuff I'd write in a diary.
He is a Christian obsessed with sex and gayness, and also has a paranoid persecution complex. My opinion, yes. But I basically state it as fact because I doubt anyone who has seen our interactions would disagree. What partially disappoints me about my reaction to him is that I have not kept in continual contact, and I have had an intolerance for him irrationality. It disappoints me because, for a long time, I've wanted to delve into the Christian psyche and understand how the hell it works. And here was a prime example for me, and I wasn't ready for him at the moment; I had some other things I needed to deal with, such as getting a sustainable income so I would feel like I was leeching off of others.
Mostly, I think why I cannot tolerate him, is that he makes absolutely no admission that he might be wrong about his assuming that I'm gay, and brings it up whenever I make hints at it. I made a video, "My Friend Pete" where I satirized Christianity. It was also to, partially, make fun of BiteHunter's assumption that I was gay. Unfortunately, BiteHunter saw that video as proof that I was gay and that I was finally showing my true colors.
*headache* So, I'm kind of pissed off in general right now.
I'm also wondering what it becoming more public might do. I recall that one time that it happened with a man named Stefan... that was a fucking mess.
I don't feel exactly introspective right now, which isn't so great for blogging. Mostly, I'm blogging because I don't think my blog should be restricted to only certain types of writing and thoughts from me. I figure, if it's going to be diary-ish, I might as well write the type of stuff I'd write in a diary.
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