Rushing Relaxation

There have been two primary things that Lindsay and I have been struggling with. The first is her need to spend time with me, which has resulted in me kind of avoiding her. The second is her want to pleasure me. I have been focused on Neo and other means of trying to start making money online, and I think that's partially why I've been staying up late recently. I have no problem with this in and of itself. However, Lindsay likes being busy, bodily, and so always is wanting to "go out" whereas I prefer to "stay in".

This creates the conflict of me sleeping when she is awake and her being asleep when I "should" be asleep. The way she does it reminds me of how my mom did it, and my same response makes me wonder about the similarities. Not about whether she's like my mom, but what the essence of factors are that leads to these results.

Additionally, when I masturbate around her and she's watching, I can't come, and it's because I'm nervous. And when she comes into the room, I feel like I need to attend to her and I can't relax. She is, almost, a duty. I sort of miss being with Crystal for this reason. I could relax, be myself, and not worry about her wanting to spend time with me. A lot of it was that she wasn't always trying to schedule "hang out" time. It just happened. That's partially why it discomforts me to have our together time scheduled. It makes it feel like a chore and an event to be done, rather than time to be enjoyed doing whatever the fuck you want.