The Trouble of Being Suicidal

I have been suicidal for much of my life. In fact, I've killed myself 5 times. Of those 5 five times, I survived 3 times. You are reading writing from the walking dead.

People's responses to someone who says "I'm suicidal..." are usually worse than useless. "I want to help you. Talk to me whenever you like." "You should see a qualified psychiatrist."
My response to someone who says they're suicidal: "Hm. Why?" The common reason behind suicidality is that of lack of control. And yes, this is my opinion. Probably, most would find my reaction to someone who said they're going to jump off a bridge, dangerous:
"Go ahead. Could you explain to me why you're going to jump before you jump?"
"No! Fuck off!"
"I want to watch. I've never seen a suicide before."
"... I need to find a different place to kill myself."
"Can I watch?"
"NO!" XD

It is true that I have a tendency to be dramatic when it comes to suicide and death. It's only been more recent that I realize that, indeed, my suicidality was, more or less, a cry for attention. Not even attention, though, but to be amused by the response it provoked. People look at you different when you act in certain ways; hold a knife and slowly turn it so it gleams at them; pretend you're possessed; be emo to a friend.

People don't like to think about suicide, it seems. The response is, "get help," and "don't kill yourself." Yeah, thanks. Another boring person who will probably submit me to the police or some psychiatric hospital for being tested for something I already know too well and play with. I romanticize suicide; I don't want to get a 4k bill for it. It's like if you tell someone you're having trouble with a relationship and they recommend you go to the Dr. Phil show. You'd have to be insane to think that doing that would make things better. Then again, maybe I should play with that -- I'm exploring insanity and irrationality, after all.

I was a lot more dramatic and damsel-in-distress when I was younger. That is, when I didn't realize I was doing it. A lot of it is because of my Christian background. Christianity is quite the mindfuck. Worthlessness, self-loathing, and yet, validation in a non-existent entity. Is it any wonder that most Christians display so much cognitive dissonance?

People want to help you, and they help you too much. You become suicidal because you're shy and don't understand what's going on and can't change it. You tell people who want to help you and help you too much that you're suicidal. Said people escort you to an asylum, where you either spend most of your time being on watch 24/7 for signs that you might kill yourself, or are released after a few days, with a huge hospital bill. After this trauma, you then thank the over-helpful people for having made you suicidal, admitted you to a hospital that made you paranoid and perhaps charged you, and then left, not dead.

Because all that matters is that people don't die. Save their souls! Torment them on earth that they might have eternal life in heaven! Yes, I'm bitter. I also recently came to the conclusion that the bill was actually valid, since I did voluntarily go in out of curiosity. 7 lives to go (college).