I've been debating with myself whether the use of the word "Hate" was proper in my last post. Hate, after all, is a rather strong word. However, I think the use is proper.
The thought came from the memory of a passage in "The Giver" by Lois Lowry. Jonas was talking about how he hated something, and one of the caregivers responded with, "No, you don't hate it. Hate is such a strong word."
"Alright then," he responded (or she corrected him; I forget which). "I strongly dislike it."
But, thinking of the context of it, hate was the proper word when Jonas used it. I think that the use of the word hate is so emotionally so apt that the caregiver couldn't stand to have him using it; emotion was bad. Or, if not emotion, strong emotion.
Then again, Lindsay has said that I seem/(ed) to be against emotion, though in talking with Crystal, Crystal said that that was projection. Hm. *shrug* I'll think about it some more.
Showing posts with label hate. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hate. Show all posts
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Passive-Agressive Hate
I've been finding that most of my thought towards Diane (my mother) are negative. The one case, recently, so far, when they have been positive, was when she responded to Jeff about the definition(s) of atheism. I felt understood. It's been a long time since I've felt understood by her.
I feel that I have been aggressed by my mother. In talking with others (namely Crystal) and listening to stuff (podcasts by Stefan), even though they said it in much harsher terms, I have come to conclude that it is very likely that I was emotionally stunted by the early treatment I received. Two things come to mind as examples.
One of them is when I was talking to Crystal about it (she was reading a book by a Christian titled "Family" or somethin' like that to understand herself), and when she was trying to get me to, as it were, admit to familial wrong-doing, I thought of when I had taken out a lot of books by Eric Elkman from the library, and had been reading his "The Hurried Child"; Diane saw this and asked if I felt I had been hurried, to which I immediately responded "No," for fear of how she would react and what she would say if I was honest and said yes. And one phrase still resonates with me from that book, and I might be murdering the actual quote, "...hurt, whether real or imagined." Whether real or imagined.
The other incidents are more general and almost relate more to Clara. I can remember Diane putting Clara onto the floor and either hitting her or pulling her hair... which reminds me of when Clara used to pull my hair, which reminds me of our early home video tapes when I was basically a bully to her. Obviously, if that was the case, it reversed. Diane took us out of the public school; I was being teased and Clara threw someone in a ball garbage bin. However, homeschool was basically public school at home, with a tinier bit more leniency. Really, though, I'm quite glad I was homeschooled. Public school would never have allowed me to get away with as much overt passive rebellion as I did; practically something like 2 years of ignoring the curriculum in preference for learning what I wanted to learn - researching genius and creativity.
When Diane said she was following this blog, I immediately put in a post with atheistic videos. It was basically me finding any avenue to, as it were, attack. Part of the reason that I'm trying out this thesis of emotional abuse (of the more normal sort) is that it better explains why I'm as shy as I am and why I came to write in diaries early-on. However, I'm not sure why I responded in that fashion. Perhaps it just aggravated already-there tendencies?
I initially wanted to just post this video by Stefbot where he talks about why you should never spank your kids (it's correlated with a drop in IQ of 5 points). I don't think I was ever spanked - or, at least, not that I recall right now - but I do know there was other sorts of violence, albeit not physical, though sometimes so. Things is, as I have said when talking about this before to others, my "excuse", apparently, for my parents was that I got a better lot than most. Crystal's rebuttal, "So what? It doesn't matter how others were treated by their parents, just how yours treated you!" took me aback to reconsidering.
I feel that I have been aggressed by my mother. In talking with others (namely Crystal) and listening to stuff (podcasts by Stefan), even though they said it in much harsher terms, I have come to conclude that it is very likely that I was emotionally stunted by the early treatment I received. Two things come to mind as examples.
One of them is when I was talking to Crystal about it (she was reading a book by a Christian titled "Family" or somethin' like that to understand herself), and when she was trying to get me to, as it were, admit to familial wrong-doing, I thought of when I had taken out a lot of books by Eric Elkman from the library, and had been reading his "The Hurried Child"; Diane saw this and asked if I felt I had been hurried, to which I immediately responded "No," for fear of how she would react and what she would say if I was honest and said yes. And one phrase still resonates with me from that book, and I might be murdering the actual quote, "...hurt, whether real or imagined." Whether real or imagined.
The other incidents are more general and almost relate more to Clara. I can remember Diane putting Clara onto the floor and either hitting her or pulling her hair... which reminds me of when Clara used to pull my hair, which reminds me of our early home video tapes when I was basically a bully to her. Obviously, if that was the case, it reversed. Diane took us out of the public school; I was being teased and Clara threw someone in a ball garbage bin. However, homeschool was basically public school at home, with a tinier bit more leniency. Really, though, I'm quite glad I was homeschooled. Public school would never have allowed me to get away with as much overt passive rebellion as I did; practically something like 2 years of ignoring the curriculum in preference for learning what I wanted to learn - researching genius and creativity.
When Diane said she was following this blog, I immediately put in a post with atheistic videos. It was basically me finding any avenue to, as it were, attack. Part of the reason that I'm trying out this thesis of emotional abuse (of the more normal sort) is that it better explains why I'm as shy as I am and why I came to write in diaries early-on. However, I'm not sure why I responded in that fashion. Perhaps it just aggravated already-there tendencies?
I initially wanted to just post this video by Stefbot where he talks about why you should never spank your kids (it's correlated with a drop in IQ of 5 points). I don't think I was ever spanked - or, at least, not that I recall right now - but I do know there was other sorts of violence, albeit not physical, though sometimes so. Things is, as I have said when talking about this before to others, my "excuse", apparently, for my parents was that I got a better lot than most. Crystal's rebuttal, "So what? It doesn't matter how others were treated by their parents, just how yours treated you!" took me aback to reconsidering.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)